You Know You Have a Problem When...

When it's been 2 weeks since you've cleaned your room (problem #1 I guess), and the majority of the clutter is bags and boxes and tissue paper, and, unfortunately, receipts. I'm getting dangerously close to being a shopping addict. I just love Banana Republic so much, and when a sale is good, I can't be stopped. (I also felt like this blog needed a lighter post, just to break of the monotony of my drama)

I didn't think I was that bad until I was cleaning my room this morning, and it seemed almost every other item I picked up was a remnant from a shopping trip. Granted, my room is small, but still- when the laundry is equal to the new clothes, it's time to cut back.

The trick is really for me to just not go. I never think I need something, but then suddenly when I'm at the store it's like, "Oh my gosh- I have needed that for SO long. I better buy it." Good job marketing, you've successfully created false needs and thus real expenditures. Yikes.

But- look at how cute these shoes are! I got them for 50% off, and I love them.

See? They're flats, black and white, a little bow... I had no choice.

Why Don't We Talk About It {Revised}

I feel like sometimes life teaches you things in a sequence. And you could exchange the word life for God. Either way- learning takes place over a series of events. Or at least it does in my life. I'll give away the ending and say that the lesson I am learning is that there is so much more than meets the eye, and we do ourselves, and everyone around us, a disservice when we pretend to understand something or someone perfectly. There is so much more to understand than labels, judgments, and blanket statements. Life is teaching me this by helping me learn more about those around me. In my life, I have at least two of the following:

A good friend is homosexual, which, at BYU, is going against the grain, to say the least.
A good friend grew up in an abusive home and is realizing the effects.
A good friend's mother recently passed away.
A good friend struggles with anxiety and depression.
A good friend struggles with a pornography addiction.
And, lastly, feminism deserves more credit than I've given it in the past.

These aren't just people I've heard about or perhaps caught them mentioning the issues in passing. These are people I know well, and love very much.

And I of course have my own set of issues that I deal with. Perhaps I should disclose them since the theme of this post is my frustration that we are so hush hush about our issues. That'll come in a moment. But really- I just think we should just talk about it more. A sentiment from the first Harry Potter book has always stuck with me- Dumbledore is talking with Harry, and Harry starts to label the villain Voldemort as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Dumbledore stops Harry and says something to the effect of fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself. I propose that it is the same with our issues.

 In my perfect world, nothing would be shared in confidence, or at least fewer things. We could break down so much stigma if we didn't feel we had to wait for the only the right moment to disclose. We could also avoid a lot of rude shocks. I could be wrong, but I think it's like the Dumbledore thought. When we keep secrets, we increase the stigma or fear of the problem itself. And here's the thing- I have yet to get to know someone really well, and not discover something that makes them other than cookie cutter. We all have problems, surprises, and secrets. And I think it would do a lot for tolerance and acceptance if we could stop being so afraid of other people knowing about it. And if we could stop responding to people in a way that perpetuates this fear.

I could be wrong, there could be more to add to this thought, but for now, I say- love everyone. I'm just finding I rarely have any idea what people are actually going through. That could just be me though- I do sometimes tend towards oblivion, but I am trying to open my mind.

As for my own push back, I want to do a recall on my last post. I mentioned dating a boy and realizing we weren't a perfect match. Why did I say that as if it were simply a mild inconvenience? That situation was and continues to be heart breaking. I am so sad about it, but it's a different kind of sadness. The kind that is sometimes pushed aside because of all the other emotional responses I had to the situation (turns out total surprises blindside me and can be an impetus to anxiety attacks). But all other feelings and decisions held stable, I am sad. It's like some sort of thread that weaves in and out, and at the most random moments of the day, I realize that this situation was painful. I've always wished my emotions were more... organized. That my sad feelings would all be together and then be felt together, and thus leave together. But no- it's like some sort of mixed salad of feelings. Happy, stressed with homework, joking with friends, a pang of sadness, focus on lecture, go for a run, eat dinner, grief... and so it goes. I am sad because I loved him. I am sad because it was so fun and exciting, and we can't go back to that. I am sad because he is sad. I am sad because no one wins. I am sad because I don't like it when good people feel pain. And I am sad because I hate when the list of failures grows, and this list doesn't just have losers on it. They are actually really good guys. And that makes me sad.

And for some reason it is my lot in life to never stop dating. I don't know how this makes me feel, except for resilient.

Life: Experienced (Fitting Thoughts on Easter Sunday)

On this particular Easter, I am especially aware of my Savior. I've had a lot of events/conversations/thoughts this week that have helped me recognize my need for Him, and that would have prompted blog posts, as it were. Possible titles for these introspective posts included the following:

"How to Get the Girl"
"The Importance of Kindness"
"Small and Simple Truth"
"Pain, Part 2"
"The Testimony Last of All- He Lives"

I suppose the last is most fitting. After all, nothing is more all encompassing than the love and Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. I don't know how many people read my blog, and so I don't know if there are any readers that don't have a religious affiliation. Affiliated or not though, I would echo the words of the prophet Ether in the Book of Mormon and encourage everyone "to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever." I know God lives for a lot of reasons, but I'll be honest and say one of the driving forces is that I want to. I want to trust that things get better, trials can be overcome, and hope lies ahead of every situation, no matter how dire. This is the good news- the world is sad, but the Gospel of Jesus Christ heals. And I want that.

On to the titles.

Beginning with the first: "How to Get the Girl", I began dating one of the kindest people I've ever met. After a long friendship and his persistent pursuit, I conceded and we started one of the most well met beginnings of a  relationship I've ever had. The most attractive thing to me about him was his goodness. That's how you win- girls just want someone to be nice to them. However, it wasn't a perfect match, as we quickly learned, and is now over. But it was a good start, and I think we both learned in the process.

"The Importance of Kindness" was spurred only the next day when I crossed paths with a young man who had pursued me last year. When dating hadn't worked out between us, we had almost turned into nemeses always trying to one up one another with snide remarks. Fortunately time passed, we both apologized, and went our separate ways. Upon seeing him again just a few days ago, I learned that his rudeness towards me had originally stemmed from the pain of losing his mom (her passing is fairly recent). I was shocked, to say the least, and embarrassed that I hadn't responded more kindly. I had no idea. Turns out that we never know what people are going through, and even if they are rude to us, we still need to be kind.

"Small and Simple Truth" would have been inspired by the gay marriage debate. I will not pretend to be educated or understand this issue. I will say this though- God loves all of His children in a much more personal, involved, and invested way than I think many of us realize. His love is not conditional on our choices or even our weaknesses, which is truly a lucky break for all of us considering our ability/inability to understand everything. I have dear friends who are gay, I have dear friends who are straight. There is much I don't understand, but I do know that God loves His children.

"Pain: Part 2" is in the works, and will likely be its own post. I learned a lot about myself this weekend, the main take away being that I can't handle everything as well as I'd like, and I have some more growing to do. It was jolting, considering I had convinced myself I was impervious. Ah, don't we all.

But here is the testimony last of all- Christ lives. We have a Savior, a partner in our pain and sorrow. Nothing is easy, but at least we're not doing it alone, and we can appeal to strength from Him who is mighty to save. On this Easter Sunday, I am grateful for Christ.

Les Midge

This past week I went to a comedy show with one of my good friends, and my favorite sketch was easily "Les Midge" where they told the story of Les Miserables via The Hobbit. You have not lived until you have heard Gollum sing, "I Dreamed a Dream". Anyway, it seemed a fitting title for this post.

Life's lesson lately seems to be having lots of good options to choose between. It's mildly aggravating as the best choice isn't always apparent, but I suppose there are worse situations I could be in. This plethora of options has manifest itself in both dating and job opportunities. Equally stressful, actually. However, I suppose making choices teaches us what we really want, and thus helps us to grow. Sure.

This is how I feel about dating currently. It's like I'm vegetarian and I keep getting offered meat. Steak? No, I don't eat meat. Well how about some pork? Still meat. Chicken? Meat. Hamburger? No Life- you cannot offer me another meat from the same animal- it's still meat! However many options arise, I'm still hungry/single! And then suddenly I'm offered a veggie burger, and the choice is less clear. To be continued.

As a Way of Expressing

Tonight I read the blog of a girl a year or two younger than me who had experienced more than one miscarriage. It reminded me of a blog of a girl my age who wrote about her divorce. For some reason, I feel like these girls are too young to experience that kind of pain. That even though I feel like I've had a taste or two of real life and thus pain, they shouldn't have to. (And who am I kidding- I used the word taste on purpose. I wouldn't pretend to really understand the kind of pain either of these girls described, though I think once a heart has been broken, you have a sort of kinship with mankind.)

Either way, it got me thinking about blogging in general, and why we often post our more personal feelings for the world to see. Sometimes I feel like writing things on here that I don't feel like saying. Somehow, though the audience is much larger and much less intimate, the information can be closer to home. Why is that? Among other reasons, I think it is because we need somewhere to express ourselves. Journals aren't enough- we want someone to see, someone to understand, and someone to connect with. We divulge in hopes of anyone and yet no one in particular to validate us.

Pain is such an interesting factor. It looks different on everyone. According to recent sources I am the sort who implodes when things get to be too much. I suppose it's true. I experience some sort of internal destruction, and then it eeps out with me letting someone have it, thinking I'm releasing what has been suppressed towards this person for too long. Only later do I realize that it actually had little to do with them, that I could have continued enduring whatever was bothering me, and the fire was really fueled by other pains.

And pain cuts deep in its effects. It always leaves its mark, affecting the rest of future experience. But along with its cutting is also its deepening. I don't like my heart breaking experiences, and I don't often think of them or bring them up in great detail. However, I am grateful for the depth of perspective they have afforded me, and for the link I feel to those around me because I too have been disappointed.

And so I write this blog. Not to any one in particular, but just to contribute my thoughts in the blogging world. Pain in my mind always conjures the image of a sunrise. Whatever happened the day before, the sun will rise again on a new day. Nothing bad has happened yet, and yesterday is, well, yesterday.

Keep it Classy

The further along in my major I get, the smaller my classes become. The smaller my classes become, the more talkative and involved I am (which, considering how much I like to talk regardless of class size, means that I comment about every 5 minutes). The class I had yesterday is such a class. There are roughly 30 students, and I've had the professor before. Needless to say, I am talking all. the. time. 

So yesterday we were talking about the culture industry as critiqued by Theodore Adorno. (I highly recommend researching it- it is fascinating.) The gist of the "culture industry" is that producers of media and other mass consumption goods are pacifying and influencing us in anyway that will make money, hence the emphasis on loose morals and lenient attitudes. After about an hour or so of discussing this and its horrible effects (many consider the culture industry a large factor leading up to the Holocaust, for one), my professor gets on YouTube to show us just a fun example of a pop song. It was Sam Tsui covering King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. What a fun, clean, appropriate song to show us how ideas permeate. Perhaps in an effort to please the class, he asked if we'd like to watch another.

I apparently couldn't help myself and said, "Ooh! I love this guy- we should watch his Summer 2011 medley! It's SOOOO good!"

Professor, "Is it appropriate?"

Me, "Well, I think so- yeah, I'm pretty sure!"

Now, keep in mind how we had been discussing the morally degrading effects of media, and listen to these songs you used to love. 

After about 5 seconds, I was blushing and gasped, "Oh no! I'm SO sorry!" The class was in uproar- most probably, like me, shocked at how inappropriate and persuasive popular music is, and also laughing at our professor's shock. He paused it and I apologized a few times and said we didn't have to finish it. The funny part? The rest of the class was like, "No!! We like it- it's good!" So my professor continued the video, and that, my friends, is the culture industry, right here at our very own BYU.

Story of My Life

I went to the temple today, and I had intended to do sealings. (I've been doing this thing lately where I rotate through the ordinances) (I also figured out how to not faint doing sealings, so don't worry- marriage is still a go someday) However. a good looking guy came in about the same time as me, and I figured he would most likely do a session. I decided I could squeeze in the time, and figured why not?

I was right about him doing a session. What I was not right about was his availability. I had forgotten that Provo is never safe, and had totally missed his bright shiny wedding ring. And now there I was, already set to do a session for the next two hours, even though I had only planned to be there for one hour. Now I was barely going to make it on time for my class later, and the dude was married. Sacrificing for naught.

Watch out for this sucker.