2014: Personal Bests and How To's

I've been trying to decide how to best commemorate 2014- it was, after all, quite the year. A week later than everyone else, I finally decided on a list of the best things I figured out. Here goes.

#1 Personal Best: This spot belongs to none other than the perfect husband, Nate Parkin. Marrying him was easily the best thing I figured out. Our one year anniversary is in a few weeks, so look forward to a post all about that, but let's just say I basically won the lottery. He is the best.

#2 How To: This year I began my process of successfully navigating happy hours with friends/coworkers. I branched out from my usual virgin Pina Colada and can now add virgin Mojitos and Margaritas to the list! My goal is to someday order a drink without explaining to the waiter, "Well you see I don't drink and I never have, but could you just tell me if any of these can be made without alcohol? Yes, thank you- make sure it's virgin!"

#3 How To: I should receive some sort of certification for this, but here's a how to for taking a spouse or significant other/family member to the ER and/or ICU:

• Bring snacks. You will be there forever, you will get hungry, and there's just no good way to say, "Excuse me nurse, I know my husband has a serious medical condition right now and is practically unconscious because of the pain and/or medicine, but is there any way you could grab me a granola bar? I've been here since 3am and it's now past noon..."
• Bring a book. Similar to above- you are going to be there forever, and your person may not always be conscious or even in the same room.
• Wear comfortable clothes, and bring some face wash and deodorant. It could be a while before you feel comfortable going anywhere, and it's nice to know you at least smell ok.
• Emotionally prepare yourself. Call me a terrible person, but it turns out it is extremely normal and common to become frustrated (and even a little resentful) when a significant other needs intensive medical care. I can't explain it, but for some reason I was often tempted to act like a 3 year old and be mad that Nate was getting all the attention, that he had so many needs, and I was sleeping on stiff cot. Luckily a trusted source had warned me of this, and I coped a little better.
• Be nice to the nurses. This will result in extra blankets, applesauce, and the use of their exclusive fridge.

#4 Personal Best: I found some fantastic recipes this year. I will only list the ones I've made 10+ times, and trust me- they are keepers!

Rosemary Bread with Whole Wheat

Whole Wheat Tortillas

Grilled Zucchini and Corn Tostadas

Baked Parmesan Zucchini

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

Lemon Orzo Salad with Spinach and Asparagus

Cinnamon Rolls

Maple Walnut Scones

#5 How To: Since the demise of my car Legolas and since working downtown, I've become quite acquainted with riding the bus. My best tips are to use Google Maps in conjunction with the app OneBusAway, and you are sure to at least know where the bus should have been. Patience is another good thing to have. Also don't talk to anyone, depending on what part of town the bus goes through.

#6 Personal Best: I had and have a lot of religious questions, but this will always be one of my best verses: Believe in God ; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom , and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. 

Thanks 2014- it was a refining year and the start of an entirely new life. Here's to more!

True Gift Giving

Whenever I think of gifts, I am reminded of a paper I read for one of my theory classes a few years ago at BYU. It was in Stan Knapp's class, and we were reading a paper by Zygmunt Bauman (how he scored that name, I'd like to know) about gifts versus exchanges.

This really was one of those life changing moments for me in college, and however little money a sociology major will make me, it did make me think. The paper, as mentioned, discussed the difference between gifts and exchanges, and our professor challenged us to discover an example of a true gift. Harder than you think, because when we give a gift, we're often still hoping for a thank you or at least the good feeling that we helped someone. According to Bauman, if you give something with the hopes of any sort of return, it is an exchange and not a gift. This isn't to say exchanges are bad or shouldn't be motivators for giving, but for me it was a sort of wake up call that I wasn't actually on the fast track to Mother Theresa.

It made me wonder if I've ever given a true gift in my life, at least according to Bauman. Every so often I'll try to do something anonymously and tell myself I'm not going to say anything about it to anyone. Sometimes I make it, but often times I'm still looking for my end of the deal- that someone will know I did something good and tell me I'm a good person. This goes for service too. So often, when someone is having hard time, I find myself thinking of how I want to help. I want to make them cookies, I want to hear the drawn out story, and I want them to thank me for being there for them. But then if I do that, who is it really about? Unless they are my kindred spirit and love eating their feelings while also discussing them, it's about me.

This lesson was ever more powerful when Nate had his brain surgery, and I was the one that needed help. I kept communication with others (minus a few poor listeners) fairly positive and optimistic. Why? Because I didn't want anyone to commiserate with me unless I felt like they were actually doing it to help me, and not just to feel like they "reached out to that girl in need." Call it selfish, or maybe sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted, but when you feel like enough things are being taken from you anyway, the last thing you want to do is give simply to satiate another person's curiosity. Even if it's just giving an answer to, "How are you?" Or I guess that's how it was for me. 

It was a time that I really appreciated what the "true gifts" were for the time- help with absolutely no expectation of return. Help where no one would ask questions or want me to spend time with them, help where people would understand if I took the gift and didn't smile back.  And, to speak of the goodness of many of our friends, that is exactly what we received. Loving texts and messages that didn't expect a reply, food dropped off without a need for thanks, and several significant acts of service without a moment's hesitation. My gratitude for them is deep.

For me, the experience is a reference point for situations when others need help. There was so much I just didn't need, and I have to remember that for others. Instead of calling them up right away, I will think, "Wait- am I calling because I am sad and I want to experience that emotion, or am I calling because I sincerely think this person wants a phone call right now?" 

It's a tough question to ask yourself, and there's no one answer for every situation. And I'm not saying we shouldn't help people. I know for myself, sometimes I need people to keep asking how I'm doing, and sometimes I don't. It's basically crazy. But, I do think we'll never regret taking more time to think about what someone truly needs instead of just what we want to give them, or even what we want them to give us (details, time, etc.) 

***

Coming back full circle to tangible gifts, and on a way lighter note, I got Nate the coolest Christmas present ever. It is mildly selfish because I loved buying it and I know he will think I'm the best wife ever. So, I guess it's for both of us. ;) 

Mormon 101: So... horse and buggy, is that you?

So first off, my job is stressful and laid back at the same time. In our little neighborhood of desks, we all have a million people to answer to and email and organize, and we're never short of a crazy situation. But, somehow we always find ways to chat. We chat about all sorts of things, but fairly regularly, these chats turn to what I like to call Mormon 101.

I'm not sure if it's because I like to talk about it or people like to ask, but I talk about being Mormon like it's my job. (But it's not- my job is to email people, as mentioned above) I don't talk about it in the "I'm Mormon and you should too" way. I feel like I do more dispelling or confirming rumors, and then I try to smile and nod when coworkers tell drinking stories and I don't have the slightest idea of what they're talking about. The combination makes me feel a little like a zoo animal- both experiencing and observing a different world than those around you, even though you're technically in the same place. Or maybe I'm just an oddball and being Mormon has nothing to do with it.

There are some funny things said though. The quote in the title came yesterday from a friend at work. He wanted his daily dose of Mormon 101, and came up to my desk, and in all sincerity, asked if I used a horse and buggy. It was my pleasure to inform him that in fact, I used cars, buses, and airplanes for transportation.This is the same person that asked if a Mormon's future held any promise if they didn't go to BYU. I answered that we were shunned and had no chance of work. After a few moments of silence, I also let him know that we could apply to any other college and still succeed in life and in the church.

I should be more careful with my half-truths, but sometimes it is too difficult to resist. My friend saw some missionaries at the store on Monday, and he asked me why they were all there together, wondering if it held some significance. Before explaining that missionaries have a fairly regimented schedule and Monday is their day to prepare for the rest of the week, I indulged. I told him that it was a mandate for all Mormons to go to the store on Monday afternoons, and I was sacrificing by still being at work. Ah, the look on his face. Hey, if people already think you're crazy, you might as well roll with it. 

To be sure, most of my Mormon 101 conversations are more sincere than the aforementioned (I often tell the truth about my church as well ;) ) and they are not one sided. I've learned a lot about others' faiths and just lifestyles, and it's been great. We talk about the good and the bad, and everybody learns. I can just feel my mind expanding and becoming less ethnocentric. :) That's another topic for another day, but I will say moving to Washington has given me a healthy dose of "Caitlan doesn't know everything" and it's been good :)

A Book I Think Everyone Should Read

I will always struggle with what should be capitalized in a title and what shouldn't... please give me the grammar rule in the comments if you know.

Anyway, I've been reading this book at the recommendation of one of my best friends:

And I have no reservation in saying that it is changing my life. Unfortunately/fortunately, I'm having a lot of, "Oh wow, I need to get my act together" moments, and it is for the best. I think one of my biggest lessons is calling myself out on how often I justify thinking of or treating others poorly. It's been very eye opening.

One of the core ideas of the book is having a heart at peace versus having a heart at war. A heart at peace allows us to have peace within and towards others, while a heart at war reflects inner conflict and mistreatment of others. I guess what has been profound for me is realizing that what I thought was a totally justified way of seeing others is actually an indication of my own inner conflict. It's hard to swallow, but it does make sense.

Anyway, I highly recommend it. It's maybe 200 pages and will only make you want to be better. It's not religious, but does fall in line with the basic principles of treating others and yourself well, which I always support. :)

Moving On

Every time I look at my blog, I see "RIP Little Car" and "Nate's Brain Surgery," and I keep thinking, "Ok... it's really time to move on."

Our summer was definitely the most... life threatening? Dramatic? Expensive? that I've had in a while, or that I've ever had really. But, life goes on. We still have to do laundry, we still have to pay utilities, and dang it, we still have to go to church.

Though trials definitely make me resent normal routines, I also think there is comfort in things being "normal." I remember wanting everything to just stop while I had my grieving moments during Nate's stay in the ICU, but I also remember coming home in the mornings and just needing to fold clothes or do my makeup because those things were still the same. I could control them, and they hadn't been phased by life's recent events. When you're worried your life might fall apart, it's nice to just do the dishes sometimes. (Spoken like a true housewife, I know)

And eventually, things got back to normal. Nate is totally healed from the brain surgery, and his hair is thick enough to cover the scar. We're figuring out the one car adventure and I'm getting my daily entertainment by riding the bus (last week a man was cradling his backpack and singing it a lullaby) We have our seemingly mounting church responsibilities, but we're doing it and I like to think we're making a positive impact.

Nate and I also celebrated our 8-monthiversary and one year mark of our being engaged this weekend. It's funny I thought I knew him or even really loved him a year ago. Our marriage has seen the normal newlywed struggles and then some, and thus our relationship definitely has dimension it did not have 8 months or a year ago. I've come love him deeper and better, and I'm just grateful I was smart enough to say yes. We've seen lots of things together, and it turns out Nate is a good adventure buddy. :)

Here's to strength!

RIP Little Car

So, Legolas is totaled. No more blue Corolla with the bluetooth and touch screen radio and zero acceleration. You can read more about the accident here , but yeah, Legolas is gone.

He was a good car, and I feel a little sad thinking about it being gone. It's like getting rid of a pair of old running shoes. I usually get my thinking/feeling time in while driving or running, so when a car or pair of shoes has to go, it's like saying goodbye to that segment of my life as well. Time to move on, I suppose.

Goodbye Legolas. Mostly goodbye to all the loud music I listened to in that car. It was my first car with a halfway decent sound system, so I think I had blown the speakers (They were starting to crackle...). I guess at least I got my use out of the car in some way! It was a good time, and he will be missed. RIP little car- or I guess more accurately- may your parts be sold to good dealers.

 The Glory Days

Well, on to the next chapter. I will now be learning how to drive stick shift so Nate and I can share his car. Here we go!

Dear July: You may have won the battle, but not the war.

Somewhere along the lines, I must have done something very frustrating to the month of July. That is all I can think to explain a random brain surgery and a car accident mere hours after Nate leaves for California.

The Short Version:
The accident was totally my fault. I was trying to get back to the freeway in a city I had never been in before, and was distracted by trying to figure out what my GPS was saying/where I was. As I came to a light, everyone in the lanes next to me was moving and the intersection was clear, so I just kept going. Turns out the light was red, and oncoming traffic was headed my way. A lady hit the front of my car on the driver's side, and then she fled the scene. I got off with a warning instead of a ticket (lucky, to say the least) and my insurance only has to take care of me instead of her as well.

I am fine. My neck and shoulders are sore, but that's pretty much old hat to me now because of how many accidents I've been in. Just another round of chiropractic care and some massage therapy. My car will be in the shop for about a month, and I will drive a fancy rental. And by fancy I mean newer model of the Toyota Corrolla.

The Details:
I think accidents are worse when they're you're fault, because then it's not just the shock and scariness of an accident. It's also the disbelief of how stupid you were in that instance.

I've replayed the situation about a million times in my head- glancing at my phone, looking back at the road and assuming it was my turn, only to suddenly be hit and hear that terrible sound of another car hitting mine. I didn't even know what had happened until I got out of the car and the other woman said, "Are you F*ing kidding me?! You ran a red light!" I stared at her, dumb founded, and didn't say anything, because: A) I didn't know I had run the light and so B) the accident was totally my fault and thus C) she had every reason in the world to be furious with me. I just stood there as she walked past to me to the gas station nearby (never to return, as we later discovered) and tried to piece together what had happened.

They towed both the cars away (neither could be driven at this point) and our friend Brock came and picked me up and took me home. I was still too shocked by the whole thing to have any real response, so I was feeling pretty good and just prepared myself to live with the consequences.

The next day, however, was a little less manageable. I was on the phone for the good part of the morning with the insurance, the towing yard, the mechanics, and the medical adjuster. I will say this for Geico- they have been great to work with, and even had someone come pick me up to go get a rental car. Geico covers me having a rental for up to 30 days. (which, it turns out, is fortunate because my car is going to take about a month to repair.)

After I got the rental, I went to the mechanic where my car was. This was probably the weirdest part of the whole experience. I could have sworn my car wasn't as damaged as it was when I got to the shop. It was a very odd feeling of realizing that this was actually a pretty bad accident, and I was lucky to be alive- never mind not seriously injured. As I looked at my car and saw all the scratches and chunks taken out of the metal, I was filled with a deep sense that I had absolutely been spared. If she had hit me a millisecond later I would not have been so lucky. You'll notice the now concave tire. That could have been me.

 And it was my fault. Like this accident was a total consequence of me being distracted, and yet I escaped punishment in a lot of ways. (Not that I should be grateful the woman was clearly some sort of criminal since she didn't stay on the scene, but... it does help me a lot. Maybe God was trying to teach her a lesson? Who knows)

This weird feeling was only increased as I looked at the inside of my car. From the inside, everything looks completely normal- no dents or scratches anywhere. And it was really weird to see remnants of my normal life when outside the car was totally not normal. I'm trying to describe it, but it was just very odd to see things like grocery lists, receipts, and sunglasses inside the car when outside the car was practically a near death experience.
     

The Pictures. Yikes.

 

This is all I can deduce: Nate had random brain surgery, and we were blessed in so many ways I don't think I could ever say there isn't a God. I get in a crazy accident that was my fault, and I walk away with sore shoulders at worst. Either July has it out for us, or God is trying to tell us that whatever happens here on earth, He's still bigger than it and can soften the blow. Who's to say, but Nate and I are still alive and kicking, so here's to life.