All Because Two Gingers Fell In Love

We are having a ginger baby! Well, at least we're pretty sure he or she will be a ginger. But, we are positive he or she will be a baby. We've had one ultrasound (which honestly looked more like an alien... or, as affectionately called by my Minecraft playing friends, the zombie creeper baby) and last week, we heard the heartbeat. So far, everything points to human!

Pregnancy is basically zero fun. While my mind and heart are excited for the baby, my body is having a sort of mutiny. So, so it goes. Three months down, six or seven to go. I've made it so far, and I feel entitled to all sorts of awards. Also, while I've always disagreed with gender inequality, pregnancy fuels my feminism even further. How could anyone say a woman is weak when she is literally sick for 9 months straight, and then expels a human with her own body?! ... More on that later. Back to the baby.

The baby is due late January/early February. I read an article somewhere about having a "due month" instead of a due date, and that seems to make more sense to me. Sometime in winter, there will be a little ginger.

Fun fact- the baby is currently the size of a lime, and we'll find out the gender in roughly a month.

I had wanted to keep it secret longer, but increasing winks and sideways glances from the Nosy Nelly's at church leave me no choice. The word is out- a ginger baby is on its way. :)

Finding Friends through Memoirs

One of the things I love about reading, especially in first person narratives, is feeling like I know the author. It's like making a new friend. I read their experiences and go through it with them, and I get to see things from their perspective. It's no secret that reading expands your world view- I'm just saying I really like it. (Maybe especially since I took a one year hiatus from reading after graduating college. It just wasn't fun anymore)

A rather powerful book I read recently was It Was Me All Along. The author takes her reader on her journey through a food addiction and the emotions that spurred it. It is organic and vulnerable, and at times shockingly easy to relate to. As someone who has been both the fat kid and the skinny kid and channeled my emotions into both, I essentially appreciated that the struggle is real. Food issues or not, I recommend it to anyone because we all experience suffering in one form or another.

The other book I'm reading is Bringing Up Bebe. As a short anecdote, Nate saw the receipt for this come through our Amazon account and thought it was a passive pregnancy announcement (the full title is Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting). I reassured him of two things- I am not pregnant, and, if I was, I would not leave his finding out to a notification from an online vendor. Some things you just have to stand by.

Anyway, I love this book. In a very practical sense, she discusses how to teach an infant early on to sleep through the night, eat their vegetables, and be polite. (Maybe I still need to learn those things?) She also offers a commentary on American habits and social needs in contrast to the French. It sounds like we all need to be a little more French, to be honest. In a relative sense, they live calm lives with set boundaries, and maintain a strong sense of self even after having children. I don't have children, but when I do, I think I'll try out some of the French ideologies! But, kids or not, I recommend it to anyone because it taught me a lot about leadership and communication in general.

So, those are my new friends. Read away. :)

2014: Personal Bests and How To's

I've been trying to decide how to best commemorate 2014- it was, after all, quite the year. A week later than everyone else, I finally decided on a list of the best things I figured out. Here goes.

#1 Personal Best: This spot belongs to none other than the perfect husband, Nate Parkin. Marrying him was easily the best thing I figured out. Our one year anniversary is in a few weeks, so look forward to a post all about that, but let's just say I basically won the lottery. He is the best.

#2 How To: This year I began my process of successfully navigating happy hours with friends/coworkers. I branched out from my usual virgin Pina Colada and can now add virgin Mojitos and Margaritas to the list! My goal is to someday order a drink without explaining to the waiter, "Well you see I don't drink and I never have, but could you just tell me if any of these can be made without alcohol? Yes, thank you- make sure it's virgin!"

#3 How To: I should receive some sort of certification for this, but here's a how to for taking a spouse or significant other/family member to the ER and/or ICU:

• Bring snacks. You will be there forever, you will get hungry, and there's just no good way to say, "Excuse me nurse, I know my husband has a serious medical condition right now and is practically unconscious because of the pain and/or medicine, but is there any way you could grab me a granola bar? I've been here since 3am and it's now past noon..."
• Bring a book. Similar to above- you are going to be there forever, and your person may not always be conscious or even in the same room.
• Wear comfortable clothes, and bring some face wash and deodorant. It could be a while before you feel comfortable going anywhere, and it's nice to know you at least smell ok.
• Emotionally prepare yourself. Call me a terrible person, but it turns out it is extremely normal and common to become frustrated (and even a little resentful) when a significant other needs intensive medical care. I can't explain it, but for some reason I was often tempted to act like a 3 year old and be mad that Nate was getting all the attention, that he had so many needs, and I was sleeping on stiff cot. Luckily a trusted source had warned me of this, and I coped a little better.
• Be nice to the nurses. This will result in extra blankets, applesauce, and the use of their exclusive fridge.

#4 Personal Best: I found some fantastic recipes this year. I will only list the ones I've made 10+ times, and trust me- they are keepers!

Rosemary Bread with Whole Wheat

Whole Wheat Tortillas

Grilled Zucchini and Corn Tostadas

Baked Parmesan Zucchini

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

Lemon Orzo Salad with Spinach and Asparagus

Cinnamon Rolls

Maple Walnut Scones

#5 How To: Since the demise of my car Legolas and since working downtown, I've become quite acquainted with riding the bus. My best tips are to use Google Maps in conjunction with the app OneBusAway, and you are sure to at least know where the bus should have been. Patience is another good thing to have. Also don't talk to anyone, depending on what part of town the bus goes through.

#6 Personal Best: I had and have a lot of religious questions, but this will always be one of my best verses: Believe in God ; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom , and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. 

Thanks 2014- it was a refining year and the start of an entirely new life. Here's to more!

True Gift Giving

Whenever I think of gifts, I am reminded of a paper I read for one of my theory classes a few years ago at BYU. It was in Stan Knapp's class, and we were reading a paper by Zygmunt Bauman (how he scored that name, I'd like to know) about gifts versus exchanges.

This really was one of those life changing moments for me in college, and however little money a sociology major will make me, it did make me think. The paper, as mentioned, discussed the difference between gifts and exchanges, and our professor challenged us to discover an example of a true gift. Harder than you think, because when we give a gift, we're often still hoping for a thank you or at least the good feeling that we helped someone. According to Bauman, if you give something with the hopes of any sort of return, it is an exchange and not a gift. This isn't to say exchanges are bad or shouldn't be motivators for giving, but for me it was a sort of wake up call that I wasn't actually on the fast track to Mother Theresa.

It made me wonder if I've ever given a true gift in my life, at least according to Bauman. Every so often I'll try to do something anonymously and tell myself I'm not going to say anything about it to anyone. Sometimes I make it, but often times I'm still looking for my end of the deal- that someone will know I did something good and tell me I'm a good person. This goes for service too. So often, when someone is having hard time, I find myself thinking of how I want to help. I want to make them cookies, I want to hear the drawn out story, and I want them to thank me for being there for them. But then if I do that, who is it really about? Unless they are my kindred spirit and love eating their feelings while also discussing them, it's about me.

This lesson was ever more powerful when Nate had his brain surgery, and I was the one that needed help. I kept communication with others (minus a few poor listeners) fairly positive and optimistic. Why? Because I didn't want anyone to commiserate with me unless I felt like they were actually doing it to help me, and not just to feel like they "reached out to that girl in need." Call it selfish, or maybe sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted, but when you feel like enough things are being taken from you anyway, the last thing you want to do is give simply to satiate another person's curiosity. Even if it's just giving an answer to, "How are you?" Or I guess that's how it was for me. 

It was a time that I really appreciated what the "true gifts" were for the time- help with absolutely no expectation of return. Help where no one would ask questions or want me to spend time with them, help where people would understand if I took the gift and didn't smile back.  And, to speak of the goodness of many of our friends, that is exactly what we received. Loving texts and messages that didn't expect a reply, food dropped off without a need for thanks, and several significant acts of service without a moment's hesitation. My gratitude for them is deep.

For me, the experience is a reference point for situations when others need help. There was so much I just didn't need, and I have to remember that for others. Instead of calling them up right away, I will think, "Wait- am I calling because I am sad and I want to experience that emotion, or am I calling because I sincerely think this person wants a phone call right now?" 

It's a tough question to ask yourself, and there's no one answer for every situation. And I'm not saying we shouldn't help people. I know for myself, sometimes I need people to keep asking how I'm doing, and sometimes I don't. It's basically crazy. But, I do think we'll never regret taking more time to think about what someone truly needs instead of just what we want to give them, or even what we want them to give us (details, time, etc.) 

***

Coming back full circle to tangible gifts, and on a way lighter note, I got Nate the coolest Christmas present ever. It is mildly selfish because I loved buying it and I know he will think I'm the best wife ever. So, I guess it's for both of us. ;) 

Mormon 101: So... horse and buggy, is that you?

So first off, my job is stressful and laid back at the same time. In our little neighborhood of desks, we all have a million people to answer to and email and organize, and we're never short of a crazy situation. But, somehow we always find ways to chat. We chat about all sorts of things, but fairly regularly, these chats turn to what I like to call Mormon 101.

I'm not sure if it's because I like to talk about it or people like to ask, but I talk about being Mormon like it's my job. (But it's not- my job is to email people, as mentioned above) I don't talk about it in the "I'm Mormon and you should too" way. I feel like I do more dispelling or confirming rumors, and then I try to smile and nod when coworkers tell drinking stories and I don't have the slightest idea of what they're talking about. The combination makes me feel a little like a zoo animal- both experiencing and observing a different world than those around you, even though you're technically in the same place. Or maybe I'm just an oddball and being Mormon has nothing to do with it.

There are some funny things said though. The quote in the title came yesterday from a friend at work. He wanted his daily dose of Mormon 101, and came up to my desk, and in all sincerity, asked if I used a horse and buggy. It was my pleasure to inform him that in fact, I used cars, buses, and airplanes for transportation.This is the same person that asked if a Mormon's future held any promise if they didn't go to BYU. I answered that we were shunned and had no chance of work. After a few moments of silence, I also let him know that we could apply to any other college and still succeed in life and in the church.

I should be more careful with my half-truths, but sometimes it is too difficult to resist. My friend saw some missionaries at the store on Monday, and he asked me why they were all there together, wondering if it held some significance. Before explaining that missionaries have a fairly regimented schedule and Monday is their day to prepare for the rest of the week, I indulged. I told him that it was a mandate for all Mormons to go to the store on Monday afternoons, and I was sacrificing by still being at work. Ah, the look on his face. Hey, if people already think you're crazy, you might as well roll with it. 

To be sure, most of my Mormon 101 conversations are more sincere than the aforementioned (I often tell the truth about my church as well ;) ) and they are not one sided. I've learned a lot about others' faiths and just lifestyles, and it's been great. We talk about the good and the bad, and everybody learns. I can just feel my mind expanding and becoming less ethnocentric. :) That's another topic for another day, but I will say moving to Washington has given me a healthy dose of "Caitlan doesn't know everything" and it's been good :)

A Book I Think Everyone Should Read

I will always struggle with what should be capitalized in a title and what shouldn't... please give me the grammar rule in the comments if you know.

Anyway, I've been reading this book at the recommendation of one of my best friends:

And I have no reservation in saying that it is changing my life. Unfortunately/fortunately, I'm having a lot of, "Oh wow, I need to get my act together" moments, and it is for the best. I think one of my biggest lessons is calling myself out on how often I justify thinking of or treating others poorly. It's been very eye opening.

One of the core ideas of the book is having a heart at peace versus having a heart at war. A heart at peace allows us to have peace within and towards others, while a heart at war reflects inner conflict and mistreatment of others. I guess what has been profound for me is realizing that what I thought was a totally justified way of seeing others is actually an indication of my own inner conflict. It's hard to swallow, but it does make sense.

Anyway, I highly recommend it. It's maybe 200 pages and will only make you want to be better. It's not religious, but does fall in line with the basic principles of treating others and yourself well, which I always support. :)

Moving On

Every time I look at my blog, I see "RIP Little Car" and "Nate's Brain Surgery," and I keep thinking, "Ok... it's really time to move on."

Our summer was definitely the most... life threatening? Dramatic? Expensive? that I've had in a while, or that I've ever had really. But, life goes on. We still have to do laundry, we still have to pay utilities, and dang it, we still have to go to church.

Though trials definitely make me resent normal routines, I also think there is comfort in things being "normal." I remember wanting everything to just stop while I had my grieving moments during Nate's stay in the ICU, but I also remember coming home in the mornings and just needing to fold clothes or do my makeup because those things were still the same. I could control them, and they hadn't been phased by life's recent events. When you're worried your life might fall apart, it's nice to just do the dishes sometimes. (Spoken like a true housewife, I know)

And eventually, things got back to normal. Nate is totally healed from the brain surgery, and his hair is thick enough to cover the scar. We're figuring out the one car adventure and I'm getting my daily entertainment by riding the bus (last week a man was cradling his backpack and singing it a lullaby) We have our seemingly mounting church responsibilities, but we're doing it and I like to think we're making a positive impact.

Nate and I also celebrated our 8-monthiversary and one year mark of our being engaged this weekend. It's funny I thought I knew him or even really loved him a year ago. Our marriage has seen the normal newlywed struggles and then some, and thus our relationship definitely has dimension it did not have 8 months or a year ago. I've come love him deeper and better, and I'm just grateful I was smart enough to say yes. We've seen lots of things together, and it turns out Nate is a good adventure buddy. :)

Here's to strength!