As a Way of Expressing

Tonight I read the blog of a girl a year or two younger than me who had experienced more than one miscarriage. It reminded me of a blog of a girl my age who wrote about her divorce. For some reason, I feel like these girls are too young to experience that kind of pain. That even though I feel like I've had a taste or two of real life and thus pain, they shouldn't have to. (And who am I kidding- I used the word taste on purpose. I wouldn't pretend to really understand the kind of pain either of these girls described, though I think once a heart has been broken, you have a sort of kinship with mankind.)

Either way, it got me thinking about blogging in general, and why we often post our more personal feelings for the world to see. Sometimes I feel like writing things on here that I don't feel like saying. Somehow, though the audience is much larger and much less intimate, the information can be closer to home. Why is that? Among other reasons, I think it is because we need somewhere to express ourselves. Journals aren't enough- we want someone to see, someone to understand, and someone to connect with. We divulge in hopes of anyone and yet no one in particular to validate us.

Pain is such an interesting factor. It looks different on everyone. According to recent sources I am the sort who implodes when things get to be too much. I suppose it's true. I experience some sort of internal destruction, and then it eeps out with me letting someone have it, thinking I'm releasing what has been suppressed towards this person for too long. Only later do I realize that it actually had little to do with them, that I could have continued enduring whatever was bothering me, and the fire was really fueled by other pains.

And pain cuts deep in its effects. It always leaves its mark, affecting the rest of future experience. But along with its cutting is also its deepening. I don't like my heart breaking experiences, and I don't often think of them or bring them up in great detail. However, I am grateful for the depth of perspective they have afforded me, and for the link I feel to those around me because I too have been disappointed.

And so I write this blog. Not to any one in particular, but just to contribute my thoughts in the blogging world. Pain in my mind always conjures the image of a sunrise. Whatever happened the day before, the sun will rise again on a new day. Nothing bad has happened yet, and yesterday is, well, yesterday.

Keep it Classy

The further along in my major I get, the smaller my classes become. The smaller my classes become, the more talkative and involved I am (which, considering how much I like to talk regardless of class size, means that I comment about every 5 minutes). The class I had yesterday is such a class. There are roughly 30 students, and I've had the professor before. Needless to say, I am talking all. the. time. 

So yesterday we were talking about the culture industry as critiqued by Theodore Adorno. (I highly recommend researching it- it is fascinating.) The gist of the "culture industry" is that producers of media and other mass consumption goods are pacifying and influencing us in anyway that will make money, hence the emphasis on loose morals and lenient attitudes. After about an hour or so of discussing this and its horrible effects (many consider the culture industry a large factor leading up to the Holocaust, for one), my professor gets on YouTube to show us just a fun example of a pop song. It was Sam Tsui covering King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. What a fun, clean, appropriate song to show us how ideas permeate. Perhaps in an effort to please the class, he asked if we'd like to watch another.

I apparently couldn't help myself and said, "Ooh! I love this guy- we should watch his Summer 2011 medley! It's SOOOO good!"

Professor, "Is it appropriate?"

Me, "Well, I think so- yeah, I'm pretty sure!"

Now, keep in mind how we had been discussing the morally degrading effects of media, and listen to these songs you used to love. 

After about 5 seconds, I was blushing and gasped, "Oh no! I'm SO sorry!" The class was in uproar- most probably, like me, shocked at how inappropriate and persuasive popular music is, and also laughing at our professor's shock. He paused it and I apologized a few times and said we didn't have to finish it. The funny part? The rest of the class was like, "No!! We like it- it's good!" So my professor continued the video, and that, my friends, is the culture industry, right here at our very own BYU.

Story of My Life

I went to the temple today, and I had intended to do sealings. (I've been doing this thing lately where I rotate through the ordinances) (I also figured out how to not faint doing sealings, so don't worry- marriage is still a go someday) However. a good looking guy came in about the same time as me, and I figured he would most likely do a session. I decided I could squeeze in the time, and figured why not?

I was right about him doing a session. What I was not right about was his availability. I had forgotten that Provo is never safe, and had totally missed his bright shiny wedding ring. And now there I was, already set to do a session for the next two hours, even though I had only planned to be there for one hour. Now I was barely going to make it on time for my class later, and the dude was married. Sacrificing for naught.

Watch out for this sucker.