As a Way of Expressing

Tonight I read the blog of a girl a year or two younger than me who had experienced more than one miscarriage. It reminded me of a blog of a girl my age who wrote about her divorce. For some reason, I feel like these girls are too young to experience that kind of pain. That even though I feel like I've had a taste or two of real life and thus pain, they shouldn't have to. (And who am I kidding- I used the word taste on purpose. I wouldn't pretend to really understand the kind of pain either of these girls described, though I think once a heart has been broken, you have a sort of kinship with mankind.)

Either way, it got me thinking about blogging in general, and why we often post our more personal feelings for the world to see. Sometimes I feel like writing things on here that I don't feel like saying. Somehow, though the audience is much larger and much less intimate, the information can be closer to home. Why is that? Among other reasons, I think it is because we need somewhere to express ourselves. Journals aren't enough- we want someone to see, someone to understand, and someone to connect with. We divulge in hopes of anyone and yet no one in particular to validate us.

Pain is such an interesting factor. It looks different on everyone. According to recent sources I am the sort who implodes when things get to be too much. I suppose it's true. I experience some sort of internal destruction, and then it eeps out with me letting someone have it, thinking I'm releasing what has been suppressed towards this person for too long. Only later do I realize that it actually had little to do with them, that I could have continued enduring whatever was bothering me, and the fire was really fueled by other pains.

And pain cuts deep in its effects. It always leaves its mark, affecting the rest of future experience. But along with its cutting is also its deepening. I don't like my heart breaking experiences, and I don't often think of them or bring them up in great detail. However, I am grateful for the depth of perspective they have afforded me, and for the link I feel to those around me because I too have been disappointed.

And so I write this blog. Not to any one in particular, but just to contribute my thoughts in the blogging world. Pain in my mind always conjures the image of a sunrise. Whatever happened the day before, the sun will rise again on a new day. Nothing bad has happened yet, and yesterday is, well, yesterday.