Paradigm... Shift

Last week was so full of life I forgot to pay the bills. I never went running. I was always short on sleep. And I cried twice.

Crying is an interesting thing. For me it's when the emotions are past words and I feel so much, it can't be expressed any other way. I'm pretty good with my words, so I don't cry super often. If I can articulate, there will not be tears.

But this week I had an experience or two past words. The first is that I witnessed a baby being born. I arrived at the hospital right as my sister began her final pushes. First of all it was something else to see a child come into this world. It took it to a whole new level to have the giver of life be my little sister. Add the fact that the adoptive parents were standing by and I really had no words. I just cried, and I didn't even really know why. The baby was so beautiful, the adoptive parents were so happy, my sister just had a life altering experience. Life- life was happening in this room. And I couldn't find words.

I think it was all the emotions combined into one experience. The pregnancy that had initially been so upsetting to me was now a miracle and the source of painstakingly long awaited and well deserved joy. I think I was overwhelmed at Heavenly Father's ability to smooth over a situation and turn it into a blessing, and that little girl was seriously one of the most beautiful beings I've ever seen! Just watching her yawn completely melted my heart. And my little sister's strength was humbling. It's possible that my ice-shielded heart is trying to thaw.

There was more. But I am tired. I did, however come to the conclusion as to why I blog. I blog because I would love to have someone to tell about my day. For the moment, that is you, ambiguous online crowd. Watch my life.

The. Best. Run. Ever.

This is short, but it made my entire day. I was running up a hill, and passed an old man walking the opposite direction. I smiled and waved, and he did the same. A little bit later, I had turned around and was now running down the hill. I was listening to this song- (which made the moment even better)

and saw the old man again. We smiled and waved again, and then brilliance struck. We should high five! So- I raised my eyebrows and held out my hand. He totally reached out and we exchanged one of the best high fives of my life. I sprinted all the way home from the euphoria. 

It was very similar to this. 

The Usual Woes

I have been wanting to post something for a while now, but have yet to find something either post worthy or appropriate for a blog. Today's post may be no different, but that is for you as the reader to decide.

I won't dwell especially long on this, but I would like to say a word about heart breaking. I feel like I was under the misconception when I was younger that people labeled as 'heart breakers' feel no pain. That somehow they are the lucky ones, holding another person's feelings at bay and feeling nothing in return. I thought being a heart breaker was a compliment. Maybe it is and I just don't have a ton of experience, but in the times I feel like I may have contributed to a broken heart, I'd like to say this- it isn't fun and it's not a compliment. Because then not only are you alone, you have hurt someone else in the process. Cool- your magical ability to stay single is now leaving casualties in its wake. Heart breaker = lame.

This last experience left me aching to take the pain for the person. Shouldn't the one who inflicts be the one who also suffers? I don't know how much pain he actually felt (past experience leads me to think that these boys think they are feeling so terrible, but the speed at which they move on to someone else reassures me that they were actually fine and only reacting in the moment), but I did feel pretty bad.

However, this experience and others always leads me to these questions: Am I missing the sustainability factor? After all, it seems 3 months is about as long as I can take. Or- am I just some sort of prepper? Like my mission- I began teaching so many people who did eventually get baptized or meet with missionaries, but baptisms I personally attended were quite few. So- I date countless people who do eventually get married or have their own relationships, but my successes are quite few. As in none. Question #3- am I so used to being single that all my actions will eventually perpetuate that? It is, after all, where I'm comfortable. It's like on the outside I might be dating someone, but deep down I'm still single. And, certainly not lastly, but the final questions I'll leave for today- am I expecting something that doesn't exist? This is a tricky one. We all have things we really want in a marriage, and in life really. And it is a crushing thought to think that maybe that is asking too much. I am desperately holding on to the thought that I can be truly happy though.

I'm not expecting this happiness to come without trials or conflict. In fact, I like conflict. A theorist by the name of Hegel talks about having a thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. The thesis is your original situation, the antithesis represents its opposite or conflict. The synthesis is the eventual result of the two, and you're in a better place than you started. If you both have a goal of reaching a better place than where you're at, I think disagreeing is totally good. And I want someone to disagree with because I want us to both progress.

And what I really, really want is to laugh. I didn't realize my sense of humor was such an anomaly. This is my fear- is that too much to ask? I'm not even asking that he be tall, dark, and handsome. Not even rich. Not even good at sports. Not even possessing those beloved long lashes! (don't get me wrong- I don't mind any of those) I do ask that he prioritize the Gospel, but other than that, all I want is for him to be funny.

Keep on keeping on.