Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Usual Woes

I have been wanting to post something for a while now, but have yet to find something either post worthy or appropriate for a blog. Today's post may be no different, but that is for you as the reader to decide.

I won't dwell especially long on this, but I would like to say a word about heart breaking. I feel like I was under the misconception when I was younger that people labeled as 'heart breakers' feel no pain. That somehow they are the lucky ones, holding another person's feelings at bay and feeling nothing in return. I thought being a heart breaker was a compliment. Maybe it is and I just don't have a ton of experience, but in the times I feel like I may have contributed to a broken heart, I'd like to say this- it isn't fun and it's not a compliment. Because then not only are you alone, you have hurt someone else in the process. Cool- your magical ability to stay single is now leaving casualties in its wake. Heart breaker = lame.

This last experience left me aching to take the pain for the person. Shouldn't the one who inflicts be the one who also suffers? I don't know how much pain he actually felt (past experience leads me to think that these boys think they are feeling so terrible, but the speed at which they move on to someone else reassures me that they were actually fine and only reacting in the moment), but I did feel pretty bad.

However, this experience and others always leads me to these questions: Am I missing the sustainability factor? After all, it seems 3 months is about as long as I can take. Or- am I just some sort of prepper? Like my mission- I began teaching so many people who did eventually get baptized or meet with missionaries, but baptisms I personally attended were quite few. So- I date countless people who do eventually get married or have their own relationships, but my successes are quite few. As in none. Question #3- am I so used to being single that all my actions will eventually perpetuate that? It is, after all, where I'm comfortable. It's like on the outside I might be dating someone, but deep down I'm still single. And, certainly not lastly, but the final questions I'll leave for today- am I expecting something that doesn't exist? This is a tricky one. We all have things we really want in a marriage, and in life really. And it is a crushing thought to think that maybe that is asking too much. I am desperately holding on to the thought that I can be truly happy though.

I'm not expecting this happiness to come without trials or conflict. In fact, I like conflict. A theorist by the name of Hegel talks about having a thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. The thesis is your original situation, the antithesis represents its opposite or conflict. The synthesis is the eventual result of the two, and you're in a better place than you started. If you both have a goal of reaching a better place than where you're at, I think disagreeing is totally good. And I want someone to disagree with because I want us to both progress.

And what I really, really want is to laugh. I didn't realize my sense of humor was such an anomaly. This is my fear- is that too much to ask? I'm not even asking that he be tall, dark, and handsome. Not even rich. Not even good at sports. Not even possessing those beloved long lashes! (don't get me wrong- I don't mind any of those) I do ask that he prioritize the Gospel, but other than that, all I want is for him to be funny.

Keep on keeping on.

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