Feelings Talk

I think emotions are ridiculous. And interesting (hence my studying people and how they work). A conclusion that my roommates and I have come to is that you cannot control how you feel, but you can control what you do with those feelings. I personally don't trust my feelings unless they endure for more than a week. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are like the weather- it can be sunny, rainy, or perhaps a thunderstorm, but you wouldn't really know if it was summer or winter unless it was sunny consistently, or the snow stayed. Sometimes it rains in the middle of summer, and sometimes winter surprises us with a warm day. Enough with the metaphors- the point is that I am ridiculous, and rarely even take myself seriously so I would hope others wouldn't either.

I think that's about all I had to say. I felt a lot of emotions this week, but I've just come to the conclusion, again, that it's important to wait things out before taking action. This week has lead to a solid bit of disappointment, but I think it would have been less disappointing had I been more patient and waited for things to endure before taking them seriously. So, lesson learned, again, and here's  to a brighter tomorrow.

Even if we have to learn the same lessons we've learned before, at least it's some sort of progress. It's tempting to be irritated with myself for my delayed ability to catch on, but that too will pass, and everything will be alright.

Too Much Awesome

A nice quote for you: "Every person is different and has a different contribution to make. No one is destined to fail." -President Henry B. Eyring

On I think Tuesday night, I went over to Brock's and we had one of our deep/interesting conversations. As we mentioned to his roommate's girlfriend, our conversations usually entail how pleased I am with my hair or a new cardigan, his latest idea for a good date, and maybe a spiritual tidbit or two. This week, however, our conversations have included how to have an increase of the Spirit into our lives so that we can be the sort of people that radiate goodness, and stem cell research. I know, the connection is so clear.

So anyway, in our discussion of having an increase of the Spirit, we talked about how much more awesome your life is when you do things God's way. So, that became the goal: to make life awesome.

Here's the crazy thing- it worked! I started looking for opportunities to be good. I figure you can't radiate goodness if you're not doing and thinking good things, so that became my mission. It was nothing major- just holding doors open, smiling more, having a better attitude when driving, little things like that. As I've tried to be a little more good, however, I have been amazed at the change that's taken place within myself. First of all, I'm in a way better mood. And I have found that being in a good mood makes all of my stresses a lot less weighty. I get less headaches, and it's easier to live with myself.

Also- and this is what matters most to me currently- work has been going so well! I was really worried about my missionaries because things were good, but I knew they could be better. It was stressful because I really didn't know what to do, and as their teacher, I felt a lot of personal responsibility. I'm sure there are multiple factors, but as I've tried to make my life more awesome, or more filled with goodness, I've been a lot more inspired as to what I can do to help my missionaries. It has been great.

So, this week has been really good. And I like feeling like I'm doing good things. The only bad thing is that I woke up today feeling rather ill. Perhaps I just wasn't used to the awesomeness that was this week. So, I'm sleeping it off today, and hoping to gear up for another awesome week. Which, it is finals week, so... I better go back to bed.

Lashes, Laughter, and Prose

I have made some recent discoveries, or at least had them recently confirmed, on what I am looking for in a man.

But first, let's start with what I am not looking for. I placed prose in the title because it is important to me that a man be intelligent on paper. I understand that spelling and grammar may not be everyone's forte. However, it will take some strong positive traits for me to overlook the wrong your/you're.

On to the positive. Someone who can make me laugh, sincerely, wins my heart every time. Marilyn Monroe once said that if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. I'm not sure what she was insinuating, but humor is my love language more than anything else.

Anything else, that is, except for eye lashes. Long eye lashes literally make me weak in the knees.

I just paused for a good 3 minutes just thinking about boys with long lashes.

That is all.

Run It Out

I have a couple of ever-present goals in life. Of course the ultimate goal is charity, but in the mean time I am also striving to be legitimate, classy, and a master of my own emotions. The first- legitimacy- is just that whatever I do, I'd like to do it well. Whether my job is to add toppings to waffles or help missionaries prepare to teach the Gospel, it's important to me to leave a respectable impression. The second- being classy- is really just because I love tasteful people. And let's get real, every girl secretly wishes to be classified with Audrey Hepburn.

       
     Yes I know, I'm almost there. You've met your match, Audrey.


Anyway, the third mentioned goal- master of my own emotions! is slightly tricky because they keep changing. What once bothered me affects me no longer, and what I was once indifferent to now leaves me rather ruffled. This also ties into handling difficult situations well. For example, tonight a sister in the mtc was talking about some rather non-missionary related topics in the hallway. I pulled her aside and honestly gently corrected her. It was crazy- the tension immediately became so thick I could have cut it with a knife. (Luckily they don't let us bring those to work) Thankfully, I remained quiet while she went off on who knows what and told me it wasn't my place to correct her. (Here's the crazy thing- it's not only my place, it's my job chica) She said her piece, I encouraged her to read the white handbook (a booklet of guidelines for missionaries), she went off again, and then stormed away. I was so stunned after she left that I sat down for a solid 2-3 minutes and just stared at my computer screen. I had definitely held my ground when talking, or listening rather, with her, but afterward was just shocked. I think an earlier version of myself would have snapped back and come up with a few clever zingers to make her feel stupid, but I didn't. I barely said anything. And I wanted to cry a little bit- she was so mean! But- I thought to myself- crying will not only ruin my makeup, it will give me a headache. Running, however, will make me feel great and allow me a healthier option for sorting my thoughts. So, off to the BYU indoor track I went. Thankfully, I had the foresight this morning to pack a gym bag in case... well just in case I needed to run. I will never go without it again as it was a lifesaver today! I have had a few things on my mind lately (Let's get real, I always have a "few things on my mind") and so running was perfect. As I continued lap after lap in my earphone-induced solitude, I just ran it out. School, roommates, dating, not dating, good missionaries, bad missionaries, church callings, and then that old familiar feeling whenever I go to a gym- the good old glory days. And I always think the same thing, "I loved being fast. I should get fast again. Everyone has to start somewhere- from where I'm at is totally possible. I'm going to get fast again." As these thoughts progressed, they made their way back to this missionary, and the other things weighing on my mind. And it brought me back to a commitment to excellence. No one can stop me from being fast except me, and I also can't be stopped when it comes to standing for what is right. Because I am excellent, and I handle things well. Or will soon.

Thank You, Mr. Gardener

This story has always been especially powerful for me. It's likely so poignant just because it hits home. I always tend to feel so entitled to having things my way that when something disrupts me, I'm almost offended. It's like I can't believe life has the nerve to not go the way I want it to. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, this concept of God being in control and me learning through trials is something I learn fairly often. It's good though. Life would be much less interesting if we ever arrived instead of experiencing a constant progression. And now for one of my favorite quotes:

"If you seek praise more than instruction, you may receive neither." -Henry B. Eyring

I can't be the only one who feels this way

I am sad that it is time for bed really for only one reason.
.
I had such a great hair day. 
.
And now it's over, no one else will appreciate it.

It's a hard life, being me.

Coming Up for Air

A few weeks into the semester and my life is already a whirlwind. It seems like it always is, and I've had this long standing theory about myself that in some weird, subconscious way, I like being overwhelmed. Because I always am. And looking back, the only common thread I see in my life is me, so I must be the cause. In any event, life is crazy. Allow me to expound.
School. I love school. I love to learn. What I don't love is how classes keep moving forward when I need a break.
Teaching at the MTC continues to be an experience of its own. I realized that this is the first job I've ever had that legitimately matters, so when I have days where I go to school and work, I come home feeling pretty... full. The good news is this- I am finding my groove in teaching! My boss has told me over and over again to just be myself and let everything else fall in place, and what do you know- I've started just relaxing and being myself, and everything has fallen into place. It's crazy how people know what they're talking about.

So, this brings us to today. After a day full of classes, teaching, going to the climbing gym, I felt the need for some solace. I had planned to go to the temple Friday morning, but something inside decided that tonight would just be way better. And so, I went. As I was sitting in that peaceful atmosphere, I was shocked to realize how long it had been since the last time I was there. I was also met with other feelings of realizing how much I had missed being in the temple, and how, honestly more than any other place on earth, it really does feel like home. That's kind of how I work- I don't realize how much I've missed someone or something until I have it back and there's this strange combination of aching I haven't identified in the absence and then also gratitude for the returned presence.  Maybe relief is the word to describe that combo. Anyway, in the midst of all that is crazy in my life, the temple always provides a bit of solace. Somehow everything seems bearable and also not as overwhelming. True to the title of this post, being in the House of the Lord is like coming up for air. I always leave with a renewed sense of self, a determination to be better, and peace of mind about whatever craziness is going on in my life.

It's good to be so close.

 

a 5.10a, a hand-caught fish, and some chocolate ice cream

What a day. It's been pretty dramatic for more reasons than one, but I will say that it ended much better than it started, and the good began at about 3:30.

Jessie and I recently acquired (and by acquired I mean paid for) memberships at the rock climbing gym. Awesome. So today we met up and did some climbing! I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could still climb the levels of climbs that I did before my mission. Not that I was any good, but at least I didn't get worse! So today the level I climbed was a 5.10a and I also took down a 5.10b, which, I was satisfied by.

The fish! Brock and I were walking by the Provo River and saw a bunch of people fishing, and he made the comment, (or maybe like 20 comments) about how much he loved fishing and wanted to go. Next thing you know we are knee deep in the water, hunched over with our hands open, poised and ready to grab these fish with our bare hands. It was ridiculous, the water was disgusting, and it was incredibly fun. I think the best was us trying to be quiet and hold still so as not to scare the fish. I can only imagine how we must have looked. So, after some stratagem, I have my hands open and ready in the water, Brock scares a bunch of fish towards me, and I grab one! Haha I have never touched a fish before, so while I was really excited to have caught one, I wasn't prepared for how squirmy the fish would be, or how slimey. So I screamed, and threw it straight up in the air. I am not sure how much longer the little guy lived, considering it spawned, and I probably gave it some sort of heart attack, but even though it ended up back in the water, I still consider myself a success. I have caught a fish with my bare hands. You've got nothing on me, Smeagol. You either, Pochahontas.

And, because three fun things in a day are better than two, I thought I'd mention the chocolate ice cream I bought today and shared with my roommates. Except it was more than chocolate- it's a BYU flavor called Earnestly Chocolate- chocolate ice cream with swirls of marshmallow and carmel, and little chocolate carmel cups. Delicious.

Ooh and my Banana Republic cardigans came today. That was like Christmas on its own. 

I had to google myself to find this but...

I'm quoted in an article!

http://universe.byu.edu/index.php/2012/04/24/trend-324-barefoot-is-back/

So maybe we were seeing what google could offer us when it came to our crushes, when my roommates and I decided to google ourselves. That's where I found this little nugget- I sound like some sort of pro!

Week in Review

Here are a few highlights of the past 7 days. I have loved:

1. Rainy autumn days. The air is so crisp and clean and fresh- mmmmmm!

2. Running on rainy autumn days. What better way to experience cool air than to exercise in it?

3. Roommates and old roommates. I am never lacking when it comes to lunch dates!

4. Best friends who, even though their bedroom is right next to yours, still see the need for a mid-week sleepover.

5. A class where we talk about a little figurine magnet from Chiuhuahua, Mexico and how politically incorrect it is for a half hour.

6. 12 missionaries who either drive me insane or make me laugh every day. Usually both.

7. A fellow teacher that makes everything hilarious, and puts things into perspective.

8. An apartment of boys playing Risk on Sunday afternoon, even if they united to destroy me. At least I was a formidable force at one point.

9. A best guy friend, offering all sorts of good advice and insights on demand.

10. Indoor rock climbing while catching up on dating stories

11. Joico conditioner that starts every day with true happiness. How can you be in bad mood when your hair smells so good?

12. A best friend who comes to visit from Boston, and because she is married, only wants to hear about my life. What's up- being single = still having drama = Caitlan is center of attention

13. A scarf that adds instant class to any outfit. Thank you American Eagle.

14. A bestie that gives me advice on how to teach the Gospel more effectively as he cleans his hand gun and I cuddle with a giant stuffed dinosaur.

15. A friend letting me borrow his scriptures more than once in a day, but instead of just a regular hand off, turns it into some sort of detective work with clues and secret meeting places on campus.

What a week, and what a funny/fun life I have.

Simple Goodness

I loved this video. It was a good reminder let the past be past, for myself, and for others.

There is something so healing about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, while it heals, it also inspires us to be better. We can let go of old scars and also look forward to a future of change and progression. It is so great!

 As I've taught at the MTC the past few weeks, my weaknesses have certainly come to the forefront. I feel like I just watch myself struggle as I try to teach these missionaries something I was never sure I had gotten right. However, I'm coming to understand the Gospel in new ways and also in ways that I knew, but needed to be reminded of. I also feel like I'm reminded fairly regularly that I have nothing on these missionaries- this is just as much, if not more, a learning process for me as well.

I guess the main point of this post is just to express gratitude. I'm grateful for our Savior, and for how His Atonement completes all that I lack (which, as time passes, seems to be a growing list). I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to learn and grow, and for a Heavenly Father that gives me those opportunities. Life is difficult, (and I haven't even experienced that much of it- woohoo 23!), but I feel like refinement is priceless.

Since When?

I'm not exactly sure how, or why, but somehow over the past year I keep finding myself in situations that really belong on a TV show. Except in this TV show of my life, my character keeps getting placed in situations that don't really correlate with the type of person she is.
I don't consider myself a diva. I like myself for sure, but I really think I'm pretty average. I'm nice enough, some people like me, some people don't... overall my place in a social situation is fairly unobtrusive.  So tell me why yesterday, more than once, I found myself in situations that screamed, "You, Miss Caitlan, are a jerk."
Per Exempio: A boy crossed my path as I was walking to my car, and stopped to say hello. I said hi back, and then asked where I knew him from (assuming he was wondering the same). He looked mildly surprised, but then politely responded that he had taken me on a date a little while back. The memory came back to me, and I really had no redeeming response.... I'm a chamipion!

It would be acceptable, nay- tolerable, if this hadn't happened more than once. I've felt like a tool multiple times in my life, but not recognizing someone I've gone out with is probably the worst. This and other similar events keep occurring-- where I don't remember people I have spent significant time with, I can barely tolerate a conversation with someone that I find annoying, or- I get chastised by an elderly employee of BYU for muttering, in less refined words, how cheated I feel by the bookstore (be it known that I still consider the bookstore and student housing the most prominent examples of monopoly and extortion in my life).

...Caitlan, the underqualified diva, at your service

Life Gets Better

I can't recall another time in my life where the reason I didn't do something was because I literally did not have time. Usually the reason is that I wasted time doing other things, and then when it came to it, I no longer had time. In the past few weeks, I haven't journaled, blogged, or even called people back because I literally could not. This was because of work.

I never intended to have more than one job at a time, and somehow wound up with 3 for a bit, and then for a few days actually had four. It was just the way it worked out, where I got less hours than expected from one job, then the same occurred with the second, and then when I went to apply for the third and tried to quit the first, my boss wouldn't let me! (What a treat- she pretended she couldn't hear me, even though I was standing right next to her. We ended up compromising at one shift a week) So, I was working these three jobs when the impression that now was the time to apply at the MTC came. I thought, "Ok, I've never felt a desire to work there, and I have enough jobs so..." But, a job at the MTC is fairly sought after and I know about 10 people who tried to get the job for every 1 that works there, so I figured I had nothing to lose.

Through no qualifying effort of my own, less than two weeks later I was offered the job. It was then that I allowed myself to be excited at the idea of working there. I teach at the MTC! Every day is a spiritual experience as I get to know these missionaries better and we learn about gospel. It is so neat! And it is fun- right now I have a group of 12 elders and they are so funny. I find random objects in my backpack every day after I leave (today it was a pair of scissors, yesterday I discovered a total of 8 plastic and metal spoons throughout) but we also have some of the most profound experiences. It is such a privilege to watch them grow and become better.

Anyway, I went from three crummy jobs to one fantastic one, almost overnight! In the same week, we also moved, and oh- what a blessing from above. I will post pictures, but we moved from a tiny 6 person apartment (3 bedrooms, 2 bath) to a glorious townhouse. Two floors, three bedrooms, a laundry room! Oh it is the best thing ever.

Between the new job and the new place, I have been a pretty happy camper. I'm looking forward to a good year. I hit my one year mark of being home from the mission this past Sunday, and all I can say is that it can only go up from here! And it's starting off right, I feel.

Funny

Useless Musings

I once read a book about dating (in high school- how hilarious that I thought it mattered then) that said every woman has exactly the love life she wants. That is certainly a comment worth debating, but for whatever reason it has stuck with me the past few years (just two years shy of a decade actually) and as I've mulled it over, I really think it may be true.
You can always find what you're looking for. If you want to just have fun, then by golly it will find you. For example, I have always appreciated being able to tell a good story, and what do you know, events in my life keep occurring that render my repertoire ever current for girls nights or long hours at work. Just when I think I've reached a cap on good stories, things like going jogging lead to an unexpected kiss under the stars, the temple becomes a happening place for getting dates, and going to dinner results in a reunion with the star of one of my more dramatic tales. And that's just this week.
I do appreciate being amused, and the goal is to eventually find someone who contributes to an entertaining life.

To Pandora

Dear Pandora Internet Radio,

When you play country songs and Christian rock on my Justin Bieber/One Direction/Bruno Mars station, it makes me feel like you have ulterior motives... to ruin my life.

You're only sending more people to Spotify and Grooveshark, which, lucky for you, I have not entertained yet. Your days are numbered, however.

Love,
Caitlan

It's my blog and I'll post what I want to

First of all, I absolutely love this song. One Direction is so cute! If this video doesn't make you feel a little bit better about life in general, well, I don't know what will.

And, I haven't posted in a while, so I figure it's time for an update. I'm coming up on one year of being home from my mission, and I think I can say it has been one of the craziest years of my individual life. I say individual life because I have had crazier/harder times, but they were more like hard times for my family, and it was something that we went through together. This past year though, it has been mostly an independent journey, and it was largely a process of learning to stand on my own feet and become more self reliant in a lot of ways.

I just feel like my life is leveling out, and slowing down. And I am grateful!! It's been interesting transitioning from a mission, and I was a fool to think I was somehow exempt from that transition. I guess it was just different than I expected, and so I thought I was immune. And don't get me wrong- I can fully accept that I'm still transitioning. But that's what life is, isn't it? Just one adaptation to the next. Anyway, I feel like I'm coming to a place in my life where things are more stable, and I can take things in stride. Part of that stability, however, is coming to terms with progression instead of perfection.

This is still a work in progress, but for a while I would keep thinking, "Ok! I'm 23, so... I should be handling things right by now!" I mean come on, 23 is the age where you start doing everything right... right? Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong, at least for me. I have definitely made marked progress since say 21, but I still do and say things I shouldn't. All the time. But, part of my leveling out of life is just letting go of these expectations and just trying to be better today than yesterday, step by step.

Speaking of step by step, line upon line sort of stuff, I gave a talk in church about two weeks ago about becoming like Christ. I referenced a talk by Elder Oaks that discusses how life is a measure of what we've become as opposed to a balance of good acts and bad. In preparing, I learned a lot about having patience with myself, and recognizing that there is peace to be found in the process, not just the destination we may never reach in this life.

So those are my thoughts. I do things wrong, but at least I'm getting better. :)

Fun Fact: Tree Sap Removal

This was so unexpected, and so effective, that I had to share- if you need to get tree sap out of your clothing, just use hand sanitizer! I googled it, and this seemed like the best option for my poor college supply of cleaning agents. So, I generously squeezed sanitizer all over the sap on my clothes, and in a matter of minutes it was like it never happened! Just apply sanitizer, rub a bit, rinse, and you're good!

......

You would think I would have come across this sooner. ;)

Zucchini!!

Yesterday my roommate Angie and I were in ward correlation (a mostly productive church meeting, minus a few side conversations here and there) and in the midst of discussing ward activities, one of the leaders mentioned he had a box of zucchini from his garden. Angie and I both got excited at the prospect of zucchini bread when he said it was up for grabs. So, we followed him to his house, picked a squash, came home, and went to town on the child sized vegetable. Please enjoy the adventure that ensued via photo.

It was sooooooo delicious. And that crazy huge zucchini yielded 20 cups grated! Woohoo zucchini bread for the rest of the summer!

As a sidenote, best quote of the day:

"Um, no way. I can't date him because he has less than 100 facebook friends."

How do I contact thee... Let me count the ways

So today Jessie and I were comparing notes on these online calorie tracker programs, and discovered it also has a messaging feature! I promptly sent Jessie a stupid message (stupid because of content and also because she is sitting across the room). As I was typing the message, it occurred to me how many channels were available to me simply to tell her today was Saturday, which then evolved to how many ways there are to just contact anyone these days. Let us begin.

Face to face communication: Considered a luxury. Used for times when what we have to say is especially important or exciting. If I spend time with someone face to face, it means I have decided my time with them is more valuable than it would be with someone else at that moment, and I am there because I want to be.

Phone Call: When face to face is not possible. Still something I reserve for those I consider more important than others, or- if they are unable to communicate in another way, I guess I'll use a call on them.

Texting: My message is not of utmost importance, but I'd still like you to see it before the day ends. I don't necessarily expect or need a response soon, but as mentioned, the hope is for a reply within 24 hours.

Email: Usually just for work or school. I don't actually expect to hear back, unless you're like, over 40, and this is still the way you communicate.

Google Chat: Hey! We're both online at the same time, we might as well talk about what we're doing online! Obviously a google chat conversation is not priority, it is a bonus to whatever else you were initially doing.

Facebook message: More pressing than an email, but still low on the urgency list.

Facebook post: I want everyone to know that I am funny and you are funny and we are friends.

Facebook chat: All of the above options are either inconvenient or have failed.

MyFitnessPal messaging: Joke.

Linked In: I am on it, but not savvy enough to use it. Do not expect a response if you contact me this way.

Blogging: Mass communication. Or I have something to say, but to no one in particular. However, leaving a comment on someone's blog is a good way to let them know you are thinking of them or that you notice their posts without really expecting any sort of response in return. Passive thoughtfulness, perhaps.

An Actual Letter: For things like birthday cards and thank you notes. Or a missionary. Virtually unheard of otherwise.

Ah what a great world we live in. When something monumental happens, expect to find out via 11 different modes of communication. And I don't even have a smartphone.

Tupac: True to Life

So my roommate came home the other day talking about this Tupac quote that had really hit home for her. I was on my laptop at the time, and immediately googled Tupac quotes for two reasons- a) she wanted to know the exact quote and b) looking up Tupac quotes is a hilarious afternoon activity. Tupac does use some colorful language here and there, but I actually appreciated some of his insight.

The quote that started it all:


“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the __ on.” 
― Tupac Shakur

My discovered favorites:

“There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bull__.Remember that.” 
― Tupac Shakur

“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for the real.” 
― Tupac Shakur
*Favorite

“I want to grow. I want to be better. You Grow. We all grow. We're made to grow.You either evolve or you disappear.” 
― Tupac Shakur

“There's no way I could pay you back but my plan is to show you that I understand, you are appreciated” 
― Tupac Shakur

“I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.” 
― Tupac Shakur
*Just like I didn't choose the cougar life, the cougar life chose me... wait...

“Hate to sound sleazy, 
but tease me, I don't want it if it's that easy” 
― Tupac Shakur
*Haha, preach it.

“There should be a class on sex
education, a real sex-education class.
There should be a class on police brutality. There should be a class on apartheid. There should be a class
on why people are hungry. But there are not. There are classes on gym. Physical education. Let's learn volleyball.” 
― Tupac Shakur, Resurrection, 1971-1996

Some are funny, some are pretty legit. Thanks Tupac!

Oh, and speaking of treasures, this is sure to make anyone's day better. BSB!

Back to Ordering Pizza

In light of recent events causing me to be on both sides of a situation, I have come to realize that dating really is just like ordering pizza. Everybody has certain toppings and sauces they want, and when you find someone who is looking for the same pizza as you, or at least one that would make a good combo, you get together! But if you are looking for different kinds of pizza, well, then you just have to keep looking. Should the metaphor be failing to make sense, what I'm really saying is that everyone is looking for different things. I used to think that what I wanted was fairly universal, and if I thought there was a connection, it would be mutual. I have since learned this is not the case. Just because I think we'd be perfect together, or the reverse- he thinks we'd be perfect together, does not mean we would be. We need to both think that.


It's too bad there isn't a standard for toppings. I mean, we're all looking for pizza. We all want someone who is a faithful member of the church (crust) and serving a mission never hurt anyone (sauce and cheese). But apparently not everyone wants pineapple (the same sense of humor) or green peppers (weathered perspective) or mushrooms (level-headed). They probably want some gross meat-lovers pizza. (someone who can jump really high?)

Which, true to my metaphor, sometimes I like meat-lovers. But usually not. I am, at heart, a green pepper kind of pizza eater.

I guess I'm just looking for my fellow pineapple lover. I know you're out there somewhere.

On another note, I went to a really good mission friend's homecoming this weekend. Here's a bunch of us HHM returned missionaries!

Smith, Lunt, Larsen, Garritson, Clark, Sandoval, Me, Post, Sister and President Peterson

A Little Bit of Humble Pie

But in a good way! I love this video because it reminds me that we really can't do anything alone, and we don't have to. It also made me realize I need to be more forgiving with others and also myself.

Worthwhile

“There seems to be little evidence,” Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve once said, “that the Creator of the universe was ever in a hurry. Everywhere, on this bounteous and beautiful earth … there is evidence of patient purpose and planning and working and waiting.”

Master of My Own Destiny

I realized, in light of some recent events, that it may be possible that more people read my blog than I realize.

Luckily, I am an open book! But, I will choose my words more carefully. Although if you are an anonymous reader and find yourself reading about you, you'll know it's you and, well, I guess the cat will be out of the bag. Like this post I'm about to write, for instance, will be rather specific, though I will not use names.

As another preface, I find that I usually blog when I'm at work. Whether or not I have something of importance to say is irrelevant, having time on my hands is the true matter at hand.

So, welcome to a post of useless whims.

Whim #1: I am the master of my own destiny, as far as the weekend is concerned, anyway.
This past weekend I went on a date. He ended it quite a bit earlier than I had expected, and I could only assume it was because he wasn't enjoying himself in my company. I was indifferent- I wasn't having a bad time, but I also wasn't super offended when he dropped me off an hour after he had picked me up.
It took me about two minutes to decide that my Saturday night was certainly not ending at 9:30pm. I watched as all my roommates left to their various activities, and then I remembered a friend had texted me earlier in the week asking if I'd like to go play tennis sometime. Figuring I didn't have a whole lot to lose, I texted him and asked if he wanted to play. Ten minutes later, he picked me up and off we went. It was super fun!! Thought I have no skill to speak of (yet!) I really love to play tennis, and we had a blast. It turns out my tennis friend played all through high school, so it was more of  a tennis lesson for me than a game for him, but it was still really fun, and I'm glad it worked out for us to play together.
I got home that evening and thought to myself, "Take that. I will make my Saturday night fun, regardless."
This isn't the first time a date has ended early (perhaps I should paying better attention as to why... uh oh haha) and this isn't the first time I have ended up doing something infinitely more enjoyable afterward as a result. To quote a previous semester theme, this is my life. :)

Whim #2: Speaking of tennis, my roommates and I have all taken an interest in the sport. Tired of borrowing others' raquets, my roommate and I went to a sporting goods store and purchased our own. While my roommate was carefully examining the various raquets and comparing quality/features/price, I saw this one and immediately made my decision. Let's get real- how awesome is a pink and white raquet, with matching pink tennis balls? Oh and proceeds go to breast cancer research. Pretty sure I couldn't go wrong.

Yeah. Awesome.

Food for Thought

Most have probably seen the link to this blog post pop up on their facebook a time or two. It's a post written by an LDS married man who deals with same-gender attraction. I found his opinions especially interesting because I spent a great deal of time on my mission defending the church's stance on homosexuality, and I mostly talked with people very passionate in their opposing views. Because this man is so unassuming and also unobtrusive in his views, I found it very refreshing to read, and also thought provoking. (It probably also doesn't hurt that his views align with mine in that he is a faithful church member.) Though I do not struggle with same-gender attraction, I came away feeling almost edified. I was mostly impressed by the fact that his companion is so understanding, and it occurred to me that real love includes feeling safe and trusting another person in the midst of weakness and vulnerability. Anyway, give it a read if you have a minute!

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

Funny

I saw this ^^ on  http://aspinstersdatingencyclopedia.blogspot.com/ and thought it was pretty funny. The last reminded me of our roommate theme for the summer. My roommates and I have had various themes while we've lived together. For example, last semester it was, "This is my life." (as in, "don't let some loser guy decide where things are going, because this is your life too" or, "Yes, you should buy that dress you really like, because this is your life." or, "Yes, you should go for that awesome job/major because this is your life.")

Well, this summer it is, "I am way too awesome to be with just anybody." To go into further detail, this phrase was born from a discussion between Cynthia and I, both recently returning from events where we were asked, multiple times, why we weren't married yet or if we were planning to be soon. We talked about how we wanted to be married, and how (admittedly, a bit conceitedly) we totally could be married had we taken the opportunities in the past, but how we weren't willing to settle. My favorite quote of the conversation, "Look- I am single by choice, not circumstance." And thus was born, "I am way too awesome to be with just anybody."  

Oh my funny life and friends.

If Dating were like Ordering Pizza...

Sometimes pizza ads have pictures, and you're like, "Ooh.. I want that one!" and ta da- that's the one you get.

So simple. Also, I would like to point out that before you find your favorite pizza, each slice you have beforehand doesn't smack you in the face like dating does.
So here is my solution- I saw this ad, and this is the one I want:

If they happen to be out of any of the ingredients shown in the picture, I just want 25+, tall, and clever. I'm also willing to try other locations.

In other news, I went to one of my mission companion's wedding this weekend. It was so beautiful, and fun to see how in love they were. Here is a bunch of us retired VC sisters after the sealing.

Lightheaded

I have only gone to do sealings three times in my time as a full-use temple recommend holder. All three times have been a bit of an adventure!

The first is likely the most entertaining. I went early on a Saturday morning and had just thrown myself together before leaving. Apparently my disheveled appearance was no deterrent as a young man who was also there asked me on a date as we were leaving the temple. I turned him down, fairly certain we weren't a match. Months later I learned he was the roommate of one of my close friends, and they had all talked about how lame I was for saying no, not making the connection between me being one guy's good friend and the other's rejection story!

The second time, I started not feeling too well as soon as we were in the sealing room. When it came to my turn, I got a little lightheaded, started blacking out, and the next thing I knew, an old man was helping me off the floor. Temple workers are so funny- they gave me juice and had me lay down for the next half hour. What an adventure.

Third time is the charm, and so when I went to do sealings today I knew I was likely in for some sort of treat. I wasn't there for more than ten minutes before I started getting really hot, light headed, and had to leave. They tried to get me to stay, but I am a veteran of passing out in the sealing room, so I knew what was best. I didn't take the juice this time though... I should have- I like that juice.

So, the moral of the story is that I won't do sealings anymore. I don't mind staying away from sealings- there are plenty of other things I could do. My only concern is what about when it comes to my sealing? I'm sure I'll be all sorts of nerves on my wedding day- I hope I can keep it together!! Fainting during my own wedding isn't really a cute story.

Doesn't Remind Me

I discovered this song (Doesn't Remind Me) by Audioslave in high school- I want to say around sophomore or maybe junior year, a time when I had only had one or two past boyfriends. I really liked it at the time because it described pretty accurately how I felt, and this song has since become one that I listen to at the end of every relationship. Something, once again, hasn't worked. What began as a hopeful endeavor is over, and I need no more reminders. And so, as the song mentions, I like to do things that don't remind me of anything. Things that I like to do, that I've always liked to do, and that hold no connection to any one person or thing. Things that are just Caitlan, and that is all.

It is for this reason, I believe, that running is somewhat sacred to me. I don't usually run with the guys I date because I want to maintain my running time as mine, without it being someday reminiscent of someone else's presence. It's important to me to have something therapeutic that will always be a release, and also that is specific to me.

One could argue that it's pessimistic that I have things I don't want to or that I never share. But, like many in my position of young adult singlehood, I am tired, and need something to remain constant. Dating has become increasingly taxing with age, and, as is likely evidenced by this post, tends to taint parts of life left in its immediate wake. And so I hold onto those things that can remain memory free, like running. It doesn't remind me of anything.

http://youtu.be/lBFdX37Qpnk

***

I posted this last night, deleted it this morning, and then thought better of it, so here it is again. For those of you with google reader, sorry for the doubles.

Why the deletion and the replacement? Well, I deleted it because I didn't want my blog to be a place of whining. I re-post because I like some of my wording and pride myself on the occasional well-chosen articulation.

Hiking the Y

Last week Matt and I hiked the Y- and it was so much fun! I don't know if I'd call it a hike so much as a continuously uphill walk, but it was still fun. Matt brought a blanket, which we spread out on the Y and laid on to look out over Provo. It was a really pretty morning, but as you might be able to tell from the pictures, we were FREEZING!

Life Update!

The semester officially ended yesterday, and thank goodness. I just need to not be in school for oh, about four months. Yes, after four months I should be able to handle it again.

All in all this semester wasn't too bad. Econ didn't quite destroy me like I thought it would, and my other classes were fine too.

The most interesting part of my life is that I am dating someone! His name is Matt, and I really like him. Matt and I actually both served in Hawaii as missionaries, but only crossed paths once that I can remember. There was a mission-wide conference, and I had heard a lot about him from a Tongan sister I served with. Matt speaks fluent Tongan, and so this sister loved him. Anyway, I went to introduce myself and tell him I had heard good things about him, but when I went to talk to him, he barely made eye contact and said maybe two words to me. I figured he was just one of those elders that didn't talk to sisters, and it turns out I was right. Also, Matt doesn't even remember this. So sweet, huh?

So we both got home, and I ran into his twin brother at the temple. I thought it was Matt, but this gave me an excuse to message him on facebook. He responded politely, but that was about it. Then, a few weeks later, I saw him again at a mission reunion. He talked to me a little more here, but it still seemed out of politeness. Later, he realized we had a friend in common (thank you facebook) and messaged me asking if we could all hang out sometime. I gave him my number, and would hear from him randomly over the next few months. Then another guy from our mission had a mini-reunion for missionaries who had served on Kauai. When I heard that Matt would be there, I decided to go, even though I had been camping that weekend and it was midnight before I could make it to the reunion. It turns out Matt had come because he heard I would be there, and had been waiting for more than two hours! So, after we saw each other that night, he asked me on a date, where I was really impressed by how nice he was, and how assertive he was. He asked me on a second date as he walked me to the door that night, called me two days later just to talk, and definitely made sure I wouldn't forget him over the next little while. Smart guy. :)

So, we've been dating for the past month, and it is good! I'm excited to see where things go, and for the moment am enjoying getting to know such a great guy. (For real- every person I ask thinks he's the greatest thing ever. I have yet to find a flaw!)

Matt came home with me at Easter- this is us displaying our bunny cakes!

Love

This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.

We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

-President Thomas S. Monson

Silver Lining

So a few weeks ago I was looking at my bank account, and realizing how poor I am. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I would only spend my money on things that were of worth if He stretched my bank account. I believe in miracles, and that seemed like a pretty good idea to me.

Weeks go by without my purchase of unhealthy foods or random songs I like, and I check my bank account and a significant sum is missing. I'll try not to be bitter about this one, since it is technically my fault, but- long story short, a purchase from a couple months ago went through that I thought I had cancelled. Definitely unexpected.

The silver lining? I had four dates this week (just when you think the freak show is ending, but that's just the way things work out sometimes), and an invitation to dinner at a friend's house for Sunday. Do the math- I didn't buy dinner starting Wednesday and won't till Monday. I usually hate when people tell girls that dates are a free meal if nothing else, because I'd like to think I'm above spending time with someone just for food. However, this week, it worked out in my favor.

And, for the record, I was open to the idea of all the people I went out with this week. I was also extremely grateful haha. So, God works in mysterious ways, but I'm not complaining.

And, because I love this song and it has a fitting title, please enjoy this music video by Rilo Kiley.

New Post!

My blog needed a new post- I was getting a little, or a lot, tired of seeing huge pictures of my face right when I got to my blog.

So, an update of my life- not a whole lot going on! I'm doing above average in Calculus, for a change. I actually get a lot of satisfaction from that- I really like math, and I like getting the right answer. However, I do not have a natural aptitude for it. :( And unfortunately, all the math majors at BYU do, so I could never join their ranks. But, I like my Calc class. :)

International Development has been one of the better decisions I've made. I was so uninformed as to how complicated it actually is to try and help a developing country. It's good to know, and I like feeling like I'm actually learning something valuable. Some day, I will change the world. Or my world. Or someone's.

On a rather positive note, I have a date next weekend with someone I am interested in! How exciting.

Also, I started working in the temple about two months ago. It. has. been. the. best. Things of a spiritual nature tend to invite more peace into my life by virtue of the fact that they are spiritual, but I really feel like working in the temple has kind of spread a blanket of calm in my life. Not that things are really that rocky, but the peaceful presence is definitely noted and appreciated.

Well my friends, that is all. To life!

Two Years

Two years ago, I went into the MTC. So crazy- I can't believe all of the crazy experiences I had and life-changing people I met in that time. I was talking with Cynthia, my roommate and former companion, about how these past two years have probably been the most impactful and ridiculous of our lives. She and I started and finished our missions together, and were roommates immediately after. It's neat to have someone that's been on the same roller coaster the whole time, and be besties at that.

Here's a little before and after for you guys-
My first day in Hawaii

Um, a few days ago

And these are my favorite pictures of Cynthia and I on the mission

The Omnipotent Shower Head

Looks so innocent...

My mornings start like most. I wake up, fairly groggy, and look forward to a warm shower to start my day and wake me up. I set the temperature to what I feel is appropriate, and I step in. Oh it's so nice- the water is so warm, I'm washing my hair, and then... AAAHHHHH!!!! Water at what must be boiling temperature comes out and I have to jump aside to avoid being scalded, or at least avoid being scalded any further. After its blast of wrath, the shower returns to normal temperature and I rinse my hair. I start washing my face, and suddenly ice water delivers its shock to my skin. I can't help but gasp my first words of the day- usually a combination of curses, pleading, and sometimes, let's just be honest, swear words. I violently shove the shower head to the side to be out of the way of its cruelty and stand, gasping and shivering, until it decides to return to the temperature I've humbly requested.

You would think there would be some sort of pattern, or at least cause and effect, for the shower's extremity. False. No one in the apartment, out of an attempt to be considerate, uses water while someone is showering. So either this shower is on the fritz, or it freaks any time someone in the whole of Provo uses water. I've decided this is the shower's way of proving its power. It is simply reminding us that IT decides what the temperature is, not us. Go ahead, use the temperature knob. It's useless- you will still be burned and frozen at least one time each, respectively, when you shower. Every time it does an extreme temperature switch, I want to say, "Ok! OKAY! I submit!! You are the Water God! The shower giveth, and the shower taketh away. I understand!"

Perhaps I should start presenting it with burnt offerings. (Maybe then it will spare my skin.) I'll put ice there too.

Either way there is no way I'm living here next year.

The Truth

Hilarious

I love cows and motorcycles. This seemed appropriate.

This made me laugh out loud. Courtesy of Laurie Banks

A Gem from Personal Study

On the mission, we would have an hour of personal study of the scriptures, followed by an hour of study with our companion at the time. Part of this companionship study was sharing something we had learned during our personal study. Well, because I no longer have companionship study, and wasn't sure of the appropriate audience for my personal study gem, I chose my blog.

Today I was reading in Jacob 5 of the Book of Mormon and a few lines between verses 64-65 stuck out to me: "...then shall ye prepare the way for them, that they may grow. And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit..."

Reading this just made me think about how a big part of this life is experiencing growth, and how a good part of growth comes from struggle and trial. The verse talks about a way being prepared for us to grow. While I don't think all trials "happen for a reason" or "were meant to be" in any sense, I definitely believe that every experience can be learned from and allow us to stretch, perhaps emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. and that God can help us glean something of value, be it small, from most situations. Which brings me to the next line- as we grow, the bitter branches are cleared. Ahh refinement. Trials and difficult experiences can allow us to get rid of those bitter parts of us. It doesn't make life easier, but there's comfort in knowing the end goal is a good one.

That's all. :)

What Did One Cow Say...

I love cow jokes. They are funny, never hurt anyone's feelings, and although I don't know every cow joke out there, they're not usually inappropriate. So I thought I would share my favorites.

My love for cow jokes all began when my ten year old nephew Thomas asked me, "What do you call a cow in an earthquake?"

A milkshake!

And so it began.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean Beef

What do you call a silent cow?

A moot!

What do you call one cow spying on another cow?

A steak-out

What do you call a cow who just gave birth?

De-Calf

What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

A Milk Dud!

What kind of car does a rich cow drive?

A Cattlelac